What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
