So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
me + whiskey = a bad person
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
