you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
and she was petting her beer can
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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