she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
