just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
