Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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