Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
