i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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