Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
