I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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