I wish I could punch you in the face.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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