Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
