cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
