wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
