Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
