like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
