The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
