You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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