Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
