My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
