you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
