How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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