I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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