Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
