Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
