i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
