I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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