I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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