That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
