Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
