moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
