Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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