my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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