I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
