is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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