She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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