my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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