Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Why are your pants in the freezer?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
