Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
