I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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