I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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