you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
