What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
