hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
we're making bets on your personal life
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
