i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
