There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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