You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
