Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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