i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
