I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
bring money and cleavage
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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